I hate cancer

Truly truly do. I hate cancer so much. I am a SLP (speech-language pathologist) and I work acute care (i.e., people who are out of the ER but not well enough to go anywhere) and this includes head and neck cancer. . .and many other types of cancer actually as when disease strikes the body you lose your quickness in natural reflexes. . .which believe it or not folks. . .includes SWALLOWING** So, yes, I am a swallow specialist. . .that hates cancer.

It is difficult to watch so many of my patients fluctuate in their wellness. . . via the treatment to kill the cancer. It is hard to walk in a room and realize that my patient is dying, and to console their mother who does not want her 53 year old child to die before her, or to comfort the wife who is losing her husband, or to comfort the patient. . .who as long as they haven't gone into encephalopathy or the cancer hasnt spread to their brain yet . . . is all too aware of the situation at hand.

I will say it again. I hate cancer. I have seen xrays where masses engulf the esophagus and move it over to the shoulder blade and rip wholes in intestines and eat away the brain. I have seen mets to the bones that left one of my patients with over 48 fractures just from moving and walking around. I have had patients look me dead pan in the face as the contrast i give them comes out there nose and say, "This is Cancer."

We are not disillusioned; we are aware, I am disgustingly aware as my patients get younger and younger. I am nervous and I am worried. I am paranoid and have nightmares. . . because. . . i hate cancer.

When I was little my favorite finger was my pinky finger on my left hand. Weird, I know, but true. Then one day I got thrown off a wild-boar-hunting horse. . .and my boot got stuck in the stirrup and i saw the reigns bouncing in front of me and I wrapped my hand around the reigns and became one with the horse. I pulled myself up and laid down on the horse. . .who then dropped its head and wiped me off on a branch. I am only lucky I hit the branch as hard as I did because it knocked my foot loose from the stirrup... but where i had the reigns wrapped around my hand. . . broke that little favorite finger of mine. . . and since then it taught me not to play favorites .. .or you may lose them.

i feel this way about cancer. . I fear that I hate it so much and that it upsets me so much that perhaps i am even more susceptible.

Depending on the type of cancer it could be. .. and all the things I have seen. . . I think that there is a good chance I wouldnt fight it. . . but I would take all my money. . .and if I were broke id take a loan and id go on one big long vacation until i couldnt go anymore. Rather then spend 400,000 dollars going through chemo and radiation and stomach tubes and laryngectomees and resections and poison and dissappointment. . . rather than fighting the good fight i would perhaps take the money and run.

perhaps i would think differently if i were truly in that situation. . . but I do hope for my own good. . .that i never half to make such decisions.